My newborn only sleeps when held: how to get him into the cot
A newborn who only sleeps in your arms and wakes the moment you put him down is doing exactly what newborns do. Here is what actually helps — and how to make the transfer work.
Short answer: my newborn only sleeps when held
- This is normal. Newborns sleep in short stretches and do not yet know day from night. Nothing has gone wrong.
- Forget the schedule, keep a routine. Feed, activity, sleep works for some babies; feed, sleep, play for those who fall asleep at the breast.
- Teach day and night: daylight, activity and noise during the day; dark, dull and boring at night, even for nappy changes.
- Your baby is in the fourth trimester — swaddling, shushing and sucking imitate the womb and are the three of the five S's you can safely use for sleep, not just for calming.
- The transfer fails because you are moving him too early. Wait for deep sleep: still body, regular breathing, and a limp arm that falls back when you lift it.
Would you like to listen to a podcast episode about this? How to make a newborn sleep?
How do I get my newborn to sleep in his cot?
Do you have any tips for how to get a newborn to sleep in his cot? I'm at my wits' end because mine only sleeps while being held, and wakes up if I try to transfer him into his cot.
Why does my newborn only sleep when held?
Okay, first of all, this is absolutely normal. Newborns usually don't sleep for very long. They often wake up, and they cannot yet tell night from day. So it's your job to teach your baby how to behave during the night and how to behave during the day.
And you can do this by implementing some very simple things into your routine. The other thing is that it's sometimes very difficult to see when babies are actually tired. So it can be the case that you try to put your baby down when he's not tired yet, or maybe when he's overtired. So you have to find the sweet spot, or the sleep window, when it's easy for him to go to sleep and to stay asleep.
So just because he falls asleep while you feed him, it doesn't mean that it was his time to sleep.
Routine instead of schedule: EASY or feed-sleep-play?
Okay, so I'm not sure how old is he, but in the first month or two, or even in the first 3 months, sometimes the first 4 months, keeping a strict schedule is quite difficult because babies get hungry and get sleepy at unpredictable times. But it's still good to keep some kind of routine where certain activities follow each other in a predictable order. So, for example, Tracy Hogg, author of the Baby Whisperer book, advocates for a so-called easy schedule, or easy routine. Easy stands for Eat, Activity, Sleep, and Your Time.
So basically it's a feed, play, sleep kind of routine. So you feed your baby, your baby eats, that's E, and then you have some kind of activity with him, play with him, go for a walk with him, he can have tummy time. And after that, when he gets tired, you put him to sleep, and when he sleeps, it's your time, or it's your me time. This routine works for many babies, but this routine doesn't work for all babies because some babies just get too sleepy during feeding.
So if your baby is that kind of baby who gets very sleepy during feeding, or even falls asleep during feeding, then this routine won't work for you. In this case, you should follow a feed-sleep-play kind of routine. When you feed your baby to sleep, then he sleeps, you let him sleep as long as he wants, and then he wakes up and you play with him until he gets hungry again. And this cycle repeats itself during the day and during the night.
Usually the cycle takes 2 to 3, sometimes 4 hours, okay? So you don't really have a schedule, but you repeat these activities during the day.
How do you teach a newborn the difference between day and night?
During the night, of course, you change it a little bit because playtime will not be really a playtime. You shouldn't play with your baby at night. So while during the day you should keep the activity level at a maximum, so to say, and expose your baby to sunlight as much as possible, during the night, after your baby wakes up from sleeping, you shouldn't play with him. You should keep the room as dark as possible.
You should be kind of boring, so you shouldn't make faces or tickle your baby or, you know, talk to your baby too much, but act sleepy and boring yourself so your baby learns that it's nighttime and at night we don't do these activities. Of course, your baby won't be able to fall asleep at first if he still confuses day and night. What you can do is that instead of doing an activity together, you just change his diapers and then you put him back to sleep wherever he usually sleeps, and try to be with him but not engage with him in anything interesting. And usually babies around 2 or 3 months of age learn the difference between day and night, and they kind of expect that when it's dark, when it's nighttime, they learn that they cannot expect you to play with them.
So, to sum up, newborn babies don't usually have a very strict schedule, although strict schedules work for some babies and for some parents. But schedules usually get stricter for most parents as babies grow out of the newborn stage. So instead of a schedule, you would have this routine cycle that you repeat according to your baby's needs.
What should a newborn's sleep environment be like?
How about the sleeping environment? You should make sure that your baby's room is dark and cool at night. And you can also install some kind of white noise machine, because most newborn babies don't like to sleep in completely quiet environments. But you can experiment with this, whether your baby sleeps better with white noise or without white noise.
Instead of buying an expensive white noise machine, you can just download some white noise sounds to your phone and just put your phone in the baby's room, and you can decide later whether to invest in a white noise machine.
Does breast milk contain melatonin?
Okay, another tip: it seems that you're breastfeeding. I'm not sure whether you always breastfeed, or maybe you pump and feed your baby with a bottle. But if you do, then make sure to differentiate between your daytime pumped milk and your nighttime pumped milk, because breast milk has different levels of hormones and hormone precursors in it during the day. So breast milk has its own circadian rhythm.
Newborn babies do not produce their own melatonin yet. Instead, they rely on the melatonin or melatonin precursors in your breast milk. If you accidentally give your newborn a daytime breast milk at bedtime, it will not help him fall asleep. Moreover, it seems that breast milk even has some alertness-triggering hormone precursors in it.
So it means that your baby will actually wake up more from your milk. But if you don't pump but you breastfeed directly, then of course this cannot be an issue. After figuring out your routine and you make sure that the environment is conducive to sleep, the question remains, right? These are all only things that will set your baby up for success, for successful sleep.
But still, the issue remains: how to make your baby sleep, and how can you make sure that your baby falls asleep.
What is the fourth trimester, and what are the five S's?
Okay, so maybe you have heard about the fourth trimester. The fourth trimester means that human babies are born about 3 months too young. So newborns in the first 3 months of life, they actually like to be in an environment that is similar to the womb. And actually they can be calm and can sleep well when they are in an environment that is similar to the womb.
And this is where the five S's of Dr. Harvey Karp come into play. Harvey Karp, author of The Happiest Baby on the Block, says that for newborns, if you have problems with your newborn sleep, then you should implement the five S's. And these are: swaddle, side or stomach position, shush, swing, and suck.
These are the five S's.
Swaddling and the startle reflex
So, number one: swaddle your baby, because the tightness of the swaddle reminds them of the womb. And if you are afraid of swaddling your baby because you're afraid that he will wiggle out of the swaddle, you can look up different tight sleep sacks. I have found some very good ones that are made of a stretchy material, and they have a zip, so it really looks like a sleep sack where you can put your baby's arms inside or outside, as you wish. And when you zip it up, it's really tight and snuggly, but only around the chest and not around the legs, as it should be.
That should help your baby to not wake himself up with the startle reflex, because newborns, when they fall asleep, they pretty much act out their dreams. They don't have that block in their spinal cord developed yet, which inhibits them acting out their dreams. So they move their arms, they move their limbs so much that they sometimes wake themselves up, and that's where the swaddle helps. Okay, if you want to calm your baby before falling asleep, you can try the side or stomach position, but this is only for calming your baby, not for a sleeping position, because it is not safe.
Shushing, swinging and sucking: which ones are safe for sleep?
Okay, the third S is shush, shushing. So you should shush to your baby, because that shushing sound is actually similar to the sound of blood vessels in your stomach, and this should calm your baby. Of course, if you have a white noise machine, that should have a very similar effect. Swing your baby.
This is only for calming your baby. Of course, you cannot swing your baby all the time when he's asleep. But if he's difficult to calm down before falling asleep, then swinging should help. And finally, sucking on something.
If you feed your baby to sleep, of course this automatically happens because he sucks while he falls asleep. But if you don't do that, maybe you can try a pacifier. Pacifiers are also associated with a lower risk of SIDS, so they are especially recommended. But many babies don't accept pacifiers.
If they don't, maybe you can try to help your baby find his thumb to suck. That's actually better in a way that you won't have later problems when they develop this sleep association with the pacifier. So after babies develop this sleep association to the pacifier, but they don't have the hand coordination yet to find their pacifier in the crib, then they will wake up at night and cry for you to place their pacifiers back in. So you won't have this problem if he's sucking his thumb, of course.
Okay, so from the five S's that should calm babies that are designed to resemble the environment of the womb, what you can use for sleeping is swaddling, shushing, and sucking.
Can a newborn nap in a baby carrier?
And during the day, there's no harm in using a baby carrier. So if you use a baby carrier for sleeping during the day, you should make sure that your baby's head is up and above the fabric, and that his nose and mouth are clear of your breast, your clothes and the carrier. If you want your baby to sleep in a carrier, try to use one that has the baby either sleep kind of on his back, like in a sling, or that has your baby facing you, because that is what's comfortable for babies to sleep, not facing outside. If you have your baby sleep or nap in a baby carrier during the day, that will automatically have the swaddle effect.
It will get rid of the startle reflex because they are tightly snuggled in the baby carrier. And walking around gives them the swinging motion too. So this will automatically resemble the conditions in the womb, so that will be good for daytime sleep. But for nighttime sleep, you still have to do these things separately, because transferring a baby from a baby carrier to his cot is quite impossible, I think.
The limp-limb test: how to put a sleeping newborn down without waking him
Okay, but when you don't use a baby carrier, if you choose not to use the baby carrier for the day, and when you put your baby to bed at night, then my last tip is to do the limp-limb test before you put your baby down. So you said that your baby falls asleep on your breast, but as soon as you put him down in his cot, he wakes up. This can only happen if your baby wasn't fully asleep. Maybe he was asleep, but he wasn't in deep sleep.
So you might notice that when your baby falls asleep, first he twitches and moves his limbs, and his eyes flutter, and he does these little sucking motions with his mouth. And this means that he is still in light sleep. And if you transfer your baby to his bed during light sleep, then he will wake up for sure. So instead of putting him down in this phase of sleep, you should wait a little bit longer.
And you should wait until your baby reaches deep sleep, which can be recognized because your baby is very, very still. Also, you can listen to his breathing. His breathing becomes very regular. While in light sleep, breathing is irregular.
Sometimes your baby seemingly skips a few breaths, like stops breathing for a few seconds and then takes a deep breath, and then maybe takes many shallow breaths for a few seconds, and so on. But in deep sleep, breathing is very regular. Also, your baby's limbs and mouth do not move. And the limp-limb test is that you move your baby's limb, arms, or legs a little bit and see if it's limp.
If it just falls back without any resistance, then it means that your baby is in deep sleep, and then you can try to move him to his cot.
To sum up
Okay, so to sum up, a good routine will help with your baby. Also set the environment so it is conducive to sleep. Make sure that you don't use daytime pumped milk at bedtime. And remember that your baby is in the fourth trimester, so swaddling, shushing, swinging, and sucking might help him to fall asleep.
You can use a baby carrier to achieve these effects kind of easily and effortlessly for the day. But for the night, my advice is to use the limp-limb test to make sure that your baby is in deep sleep before you transfer him in his cot.
Frequently asked questions
Why does my newborn only sleep when held?
Because for the first three months a baby is still, in effect, expecting the womb: warmth, tightness, movement and constant sound. Being held supplies all four, and a cot supplies none of them. This is normal newborn behaviour rather than a habit you have created, and it passes.
How do I put my newborn down without waking him?
Wait for deep sleep before you move him. In light sleep a newborn twitches, flutters his eyelids, makes little sucking movements and breathes irregularly — move him then and he will wake. In deep sleep he is completely still and his breathing is regular. The test is to lift an arm gently: if it falls back limp, he is deep enough to transfer.
How do I teach a newborn the difference between day and night?
By making the two look different. During the day keep the light and the activity level up and expose him to daylight. At night keep the room dark, do not play, do not make faces or chat, and be as boring as you can even during a nappy change. Most babies work it out by two or three months.
Should I swaddle my newborn?
Swaddling helps most newborns, because the tightness imitates the womb and stops the startle reflex from waking them — newborns move a great deal in their sleep, as the spinal block that stops us acting out our dreams is not developed yet. If you are worried about your baby wriggling out, a snug zip-up sleep sack that is tight around the chest and loose around the legs does the same job.
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