Putting a toddler and a baby to bed alone: what to fix, in what order
Two children, two different bedtimes, and one parent doing bedtime alone. The order in which to fix it: schedule first, then the routine, then the room, and sleep training only at the end.
Short answer: how do you put a preschooler and a baby to bed on your own?
- Synchronise them first. Work out both children's sleep needs and naps so that they are actually tired at the same time — that one change removes most of the difficulty.
- Set bedtime at the time she really falls asleep. If you put her down at 6 and she sleeps at 8, bedtime is 8. You stop lying there for two hours, and she stops lying there bored.
- Take screens out of the bedtime routine. Blue light suppresses the melatonin she needs, and it excludes the baby from the routine anyway.
- Build the requests into the routine. The toilet trip, the glass of water: do them before lights out, and they stop being reasons to get up.
- The early morning waking usually fixes itself once bedtime is right and you are no longer falling asleep at 8 p.m. yourself.
Would you like to listen to a podcast episode about this? My daughter's bedtime takes up my entire evening
“Bedtime takes my whole evening and my daughter is up at 5 a.m.”
My family needs some help around sleep. I have a 3-and-a-half-year-old girl and a 10-month-old boy. My daughter has been going to bed at 5:30 to 6:00 p.m. each night for a while, and mostly she's been fine about that. She's been sleeping through the night and waking up at a reasonable time, but if she's not asleep by 6, which is becoming more normal, we're usually looking at an actual 7:00 to 8:00 p.m. bedtime. Which probably doesn't sound too late, but when I'm so tired falling asleep in her bed and then get woken up constantly with requests and complaints, I just can't help but feel so frustrated. We put her to bed by laying down with her, she watches 5 minutes of a show on our phone, and then listens to an audiobook or music. She has always listened to something audible at bedtime, and 99% of the time it's helpful. My son will go to bed basically 3 hours after the last nap he had, and that's not ever any sooner than 5:30 to 6:00 p.m. when my daughter goes to sleep. It's about 10,000 times more difficult when my husband is working late and I have to put the two to bed on my own, because they're rarely ever tired at the same time, and even if they are, they are just so distracted by one another. Ideally, I would like to not have to lay there beside her until she goes to sleep, because it takes up my entire evening some nights, and I always fall asleep too, which messes up my sleep completely because I won't be tired again until after midnight. Then in the mornings, my daughter has been waking up at 5 or 6 a.m. and asking for a TV show. We usually just let her watch something because we are both so tired and not ready to wake up, especially after not going to bed until midnight. So she watches shows, but the whole time is still asking for snacks and sometimes getting them herself, making a huge mess, or eating things she shouldn't be. Which I mean, what did we expect our 3-and-a-half-year-old daughter to do when she's awake and hungry and no one is helping her? I just want to change how we do things so badly. I have tried to just leave her in her room to go to sleep on her own, but she either cries and screams, or she turns the light on and plays with the toys that are in her room, and I don't trust her to go to sleep at a decent time or at all, quite honestly. Also, her door has a child lock on it, because if it didn't, I think she would probably get out all the time and it would be chaos. My husband and I are both so grumpy with her when she doesn't go to sleep on time, and then I feel so guilty in the mornings when she has watched, like, an entire movie before I even wake up. Something has to change. Please, any helpful advice and/or resources would be so appreciated.
What is actually going wrong here
Okay, so it seems that most of the problems are caused by your preschooler rather than your baby, right? Let me just try to summarize your situation. So you have a preschooler, a 3-and-a-half-year-old girl who used to go to bed around 6:00 p.m., but now usually falls asleep later at 7, between 7 and 8 p.m. And she watches some shows on your phone before falling asleep, and also watches something after she wakes up at 5 or 6 a.m. in the morning.
And I don't know much about your son's sleep, but I'm guessing that he doesn't cause much of the problem, because you didn't say that he would wake up multiple times during the night. So to sum up your problems, your number one problem is that putting them down together when you're alone without your husband is very difficult. Number two, you have to lay there with your daughter to wait for her to fall asleep for hours, and you fall asleep yourself, and then it messes up your sleep at night because then you can't go to bed until midnight, and then you are too sleepy in the morning to wake up with her, so she has to watch TV, and you don't like that. And number three is exactly this.
So number three is that your daughter wakes up too early in the morning and then watches TV.
Step one: synchronise the two children's schedules
Okay, so solving these problems should start with synchronizing your daughter's and your son's schedule. Basically, you have to take into consideration how much they have to sleep during the day. So for a 3-and-a-half-year-old girl, the recommended amount of sleep during a 24-hour period is 10 to 13 hours, while for a 10-month-old child it is 12 to 15 hours. And I don't know how much your children nap, but I'm guessing that your son still naps 2 times during the day, right?
And your daughter might just be starting to grow out of her middle-of-the-day nap, right? In fact, I think this might partly cause the problem. So you said that she used to fall asleep without a problem at 5:30 to 6:00 p.m., but now it's more like from 7 to 8 p.m. Okay, so many children grow out their nap or go through the last nap transition from one nap to zero nap, starting at 3 years of age.
So it can happen anywhere between 3 and 6 years of age. But even if your daughter still wants to nap during the day, it can be that her sleep needs decreased, and now the early bedtime is not appropriate for her anymore. Okay, so usually when children grow into this preschooler age, their bedtime gets later and later. It's because their sleep needs decrease, but they still need that nap in the middle of the day, and then that nap prevents them from falling asleep early.
The solution is usually not to skip the nap, because skipping the nap too early might cause them to be too tired and overtired, and that in turn can make falling asleep more difficult. But usually, to push the bedtime later, and it seems that this is exactly what happens, that your daughter kind of pushes her bedtime later and later. But the most important thing is not that when exactly nap time happens, because you can have an early bedtime and an early wake-up, or a later bedtime and a later wake-up. But the more important thing is how much your daughter has to stay in bed.
Because if you put her to bed too early and then you expect her to wake up late, that is something that won't be possible. So if she goes to kindergarten, then just ask exactly what time they sleep during the day if they have a nap at kindergarten. And then you try to use the same schedule at home and during the weekends too. If she doesn't go to nursery, then just try to find a nap time that is convenient for you.
And then the main solution here for your number one problem, putting them down, which is that it's too difficult to put them down to bed together, is the main solution would be to synchronize their bedtime, okay? So you have to take into consideration their sleep needs in a 24-hour period and their naps. You have to find a schedule for the day for both of them that works and that includes exactly the same bedtime for both of them. So it should be a bedtime so you have to juggle with the naps in a way that they are both tired at the same time at bedtime.
And you said that your 10-month-old son usually goes to bed for the night 3 hours after his last nap. So that should be quite easy then to fix this. If you already know this, then it should be quite easy to figure out a schedule where the last nap actually ends 3 hours before bedtime. And if your son tends to sleep longer on some days, then you should just wake him up from his last nap so that it doesn't ruin bedtime, and then they will be tired at the same time in the evening.
So whatever schedule you decide, you should try to keep this schedule more or less consistent for at least a few weeks until things settle. And what consistent means depends on you. Some families keep a very strict schedule, meaning that they do everything by the clock. Others don't mind if their schedule varies by half an hour or even an hour.
But I don't suggest that your schedule varies more than an hour, at least at the beginning. So when designing your schedule, try to figure out what time usually your daughter goes to sleep, when she actually falls asleep. So if you put her to bed at 6 and she falls asleep at 8, then try to put bedtime at 8. And then don't put her to bed before 8:00, right?
So you do the bedtime routine, which should end around 8:00, and then you put your daughter to sleep at 8:00. So if you know what time your daughter will be ready to sleep, and this would be consistent during the days because of your schedule, then you would save yourself the trouble to lay there with her every night for hours. And this should also make it easier to put the two kids to bed at the same time.
Step two: a bedtime routine you can run alone with both children
Okay, so first, my first advice is to try to design a schedule that suits both you and both of your kids. Second, try to design a bedtime routine that you can comfortably and easily do yourself alone without your husband, with both kids at the same time. So I'm not sure whether you can bathe both of your kids together, or you prefer bathing them after one another. Your daughter is already big enough so that she can play a little bit while you get the baby ready for bed.
But make sure that you also spend enough time with your daughter, and maybe the bedtime story is more for her than for your son. Maybe your son can just look at a picture book while at the same time you read from another book for your daughter. Or maybe you can look at the same book together, and you can explain what happens in the book on a different level for your daughter and your son. When you turn the page, you can ask him to point to different things on the page, and right after that, you can just tell the story what happens on that page to your daughter.
So you can have a bedtime story together.
Why screen time does not belong in the bedtime routine
And I strongly advise against screen time to be included in your bedtime routine. So you said that your daughter usually watches about 5 minutes of some shows on your phone, but that's not a very good idea. First of all, because that excludes your son. Second of all, because the blue light that any screens emit, it prevents the melatonin production in your child's body.
And melatonin actually helps her fall asleep. So when you expose your child to blue light, either sunlight or a screen, right before bedtime, it can mess up her ability to fall asleep easily. So I would simply discuss with my daughter what a good bedtime, what an enjoyable bedtime routine would include for her. Okay, and you also said that your daughter usually has different requests after going to bed.
This is probably because she is not tired yet, or she is not sleepy enough to fall asleep, so she is just bored and she needs something to happen. But if you think that some of these requests are reasonable and they happen almost every day, like she wants to go out to pee, or she wants a glass of water, or anything like that, then you can include these requests into the bedtime routine. So you say that maybe after the bedtime story, you help her to go to the toilet, and then you put a glass of water next to her bed, or something like that, so that you kind of prevent these requests to happen in the first place, okay?
Step three: one sleep environment that works for both
So after you synchronize their bedtime and you have a pleasant bedtime routine together, also figure out what would be a sleep environment that is conducive to sleep and that is okay for both of your kids. So you said that your daughter likes to listen to music or audiobooks while falling asleep. Well, you have to figure out whether this is okay for your baby too. Because for babies, especially newborns, white noise is really helpful for falling asleep.
But I'm not sure what your 10-month-old would like. So if audiobooks or music do not disturb your son, then great, you can include it in the bedtime routine that after you tuck them in, you switch on the story or the music, and then you say goodnight and you leave the room, okay? But if your son cannot fall asleep with music or with an audiobook, then just try to find a compromise that is good for both of your kids. Maybe a mellower music, or maybe white noise, or maybe a white noise that is also mixed with some nature sounds.
That's usually good both for babies and for toddlers or preschoolers. So I especially like rain sounds, like rainforest sounds, where there are some frogs or birds. That may be interesting enough for your daughter so that she is not too bored, but also not too stimulating for your son so that he can fall asleep too. Okay, so this was my third tip after fixing your schedule and your bedtime routine, is to exclude screen time and figure out what to listen to, if they want to listen to anything.
Step four: sleep training, if you still need it
And if all these things do not fix your situation, then the next step would be sleep training. Okay, so you didn't say how your son falls asleep, but I'm going to assume that he falls asleep independently because you didn't say that you have a problem with that. With your daughter, if you don't want to do sleep training, then of course you can still go and lay with her until she falls asleep. And if you fixed her schedule and she is actually ready to sleep by the time she gets into bed, then it shouldn't take longer than 15 minutes, okay?
So you have to find a bedtime where it doesn't take longer than 15 minutes for her to fall asleep, maximum half an hour. And maybe half an hour is okay for you to lay there, and maybe you wouldn't fall asleep. I'm not sure what you want. But if you want to avoid laying there with her altogether, that means that she has to fall asleep independently, and learning to fall asleep independently is exactly the goal of sleep training.
So I'm not sure what sleep training methods you know, but at this age, any sleep training method that you choose should include discussing it with your daughter. So she is 3 and a half years old. It must be possible to explain to her that you don't want to lie there with her anymore because you have things to do, and that you want her to try to fall asleep alone. Maybe if it's easier to make her accept this, you can make up little excuses like you didn't have a shower yet, so you have to go out to have a shower, and then you do that.
I mean, you shouldn't lie. You should go out to have a shower, and maybe during that time your daughter will fall asleep. Or you can try saying you have some things to do, but you will come in again in 5 minutes if she is quiet, or something like that, and then you hope that she falls asleep during that time. My other tip is that when you choose a sleep training method, try to make sure that you choose something that fits your parenting style, that you are comfortable with.
Because if you don't, then you will just give up. You won't keep it up, and your daughter will be able to convince you to go back to the old methods and to just lay there with her until she falls asleep. So either you choose something gradual like fading or the chair method, or you choose something less gradual like the FERBER method. I would allow her at least a week with the new schedule and the new routine before you start teaching her to fall asleep independently, okay?
So after you found a new schedule that fits both your son and your daughter, and you already use the new bedtime routine without screen time, I would give them a week to get used to the new ways of doing things. So when you have already found a schedule and a routine with which your daughter would fall asleep in 15 minutes while you lay there with her, I would give her a week to get used to this. Because when she gets used to the fact that she can fall asleep easily, she won't be afraid to do that alone anymore that much, at least. So I would still do the going to bed together and laying there with your daughter for at least a week, and actually observe her and see if she falls asleep within 15 minutes.
And when that works, then I would try to take myself out of the equation and teach her to fall asleep independently. And in this way, sleep training will be less of a struggle. But it can still happen that your daughter will resist, of course, and she will wake up the baby for sure with her screaming. So you will have a few difficult evenings, probably, but hopefully it will only last a few days and she will learn to fall asleep independently quite easily.
And the 5 a.m. wake-ups?
Okay, and then to your last problem, the too early wake-ups. So by the time you get to this point, maybe the two early wake-ups are already fixed. Because if you chose a later bedtime for your daughter, her whole schedule could shift later and she would wake up later. This is one possibility.
The other possibility is that since you don't have to lay there with her and you won't fall asleep with her, then you could actually go to bed at 10:00 or something, and then you won't be too tired to wake up at 5:00 or 6:00 AM. So that would fix her early morning wake-ups, together with the screen time and the messy eating. If she still wakes up too early for your taste, then you can try to shift bedtime a little bit later every day. So it's actually possible to shift children's bedtime, but it takes time.
So most kids cannot sleep in, meaning if they go to bed later, they would still wake up exactly at the same time. But that is only short-term. So if you stick with the later bedtime for weeks, then her entire schedule should shift too. But that means that you have to shift the naps too, and also your son's schedule the same amount, okay?
So this way you can achieve a little bit later wake-up time.
Frequently asked questions
How do I put a toddler and a baby to bed at the same time?
By making them tired at the same time. Work backwards from each child's sleep need and nap length until both are ready for bed at the same hour, waking the baby from the last nap if it runs too close to bedtime. Then build one routine that includes both: a shared book at two different levels, one child playing quietly while you get the other ready.
My preschooler takes two hours to fall asleep. What do I do?
Move bedtime to the time she actually falls asleep. If she goes down at six and is asleep at eight, then eight is her bedtime; put her to bed then, with the routine finishing at eight. You stop spending your evening on the floor of her room, and she stops learning that bed is a place where you lie awake and bored.
Is screen time before bed really a problem?
Yes, for two reasons. The blue light from any screen suppresses melatonin, which is the hormone that makes falling asleep easy, so a show right before bed works directly against the thing you want. And in a two-child bedtime it excludes the baby. Music or an audiobook does the same soothing job without the light.
How do I stop my child waking at 5 a.m.?
Usually by fixing bedtime rather than by attacking the morning. If the whole schedule shifts later and stays there, the wake-up shifts too — but it takes weeks of consistency, and the naps and meals have to move by the same amount. The other half of it is your own sleep: if you are not falling asleep at eight in her room, a 6 a.m. start is a great deal more manageable.
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