Why baby sleep advice contradicts itself — and how I found what worked
How a 9-month sleep regression turned a theoretical biologist into a sleep coach — and what I learned about why sleep advice contradicts itself.
Short answer: which sleep training method is the best?
- There is no single best method. For every piece of advice, there are parents it worked for and parents for whom the exact opposite worked.
- That is not because the experts are wrong — it is because babies, problems and families differ. Sleep coaching is not one-size-fits-all.
- So the question is not which method is best, but which one fits your baby, your particular problem, and what you can keep up consistently.
- Method comes last. Schedule, bedtime routine and sleep environment come first — fix those and some problems disappear on their own.
- It is not too late. I started with my daughter at almost one year old, and it still worked.
Would you like to listen to a podcast episode about this? What is this?
How a 9-month sleep regression started all this
Here is how I ended up writing the Baby Sleep Book in the first place. When my daughter was around 9 months old, she went through a terrible sleep regression. She never slept through the night before. She was exclusively breastfed, and she still woke up 2 or 3 times a night.
But I didn't mind it because I was working from home with a flexible schedule. I only worked part-time, so I could nap during the day with her, and it was okay for me to wake up a few times a night because she always just breastfed and then went straight back to sleep. So it wasn't like a whole long session. It was always just a few minutes, and that was it.
It wasn't too tiring. But after the sleep regression started, her sleep started to get worse and worse. First she started to wake up more often, and then it was more and more difficult to put her down to sleep in the evening. And also one of her wake-ups in the middle of the night started to get longer and longer, so she couldn't go back to sleep.
At the worst point, I think it was like she woke up almost every hour, every 2 hours, and one of these wake-ups around maybe 2 a.m., 3 a.m., one of these wake-ups lasted sometimes more than 1 or 2 hours. So during those hours we tried to put her back to sleep, of course. I breastfed her, we rocked her, we walked with her, we sang to her, we whatever, jumped up and down with her, but nothing helped. And it always, she always ended up crying for a good half an hour before she could finally go back to sleep.
It was quite horrible, really. We were both, me and my husband, were really exhausted. And at one point I realized that my daughter started to lose weight, and that was the point when I decided to do something about it, and I started researching baby sleep coaching.
Why does baby sleep advice contradict itself?
So I started to look up baby sleep training and baby sleep coaching on the internet, but what I found was really confusing. I found really contradictory advice and tips from, in Facebook groups, in blogs. So I thought that I would buy a few sleep coaching books from sleep experts. But still, the information was very confusing because one expert said this, the other expert said the exact opposite.
For example, you have to leave your baby cry to fall asleep alone. Others said that don't do that because it will damage her for life. Someone said push bedtime later to make your baby fall asleep easier. Others said don't do that because it will make her overtired and she won't be able to fall asleep at all.
So I talked to other moms and I went to Facebook groups, and it turned out that for every piece of advice I've read, there are some moms for whom it worked, and there are some other moms for whom the exact opposite worked. So clearly, sleep coaching is not one-size-fits-all. If you have ever read anything about it, you should know this.
Do you need a sleep consultant?
And then I thought that maybe I need an expert who would help me with this. So I looked up sleep consultants, and right off the bat I saw that some sleep consultants just stick to one method and they push that method on you. And I didn't want that because what I have discovered, that one method doesn't, couldn't work for everyone. So of course I found some sleep consultants who, I mean, based on their websites, who clearly had a lot of knowledge and who kind of tried to adapt the methods and the tips and advice that they give you.
They adapt it to you and your baby and your family. But it was really expensive. It was several hundred, or more than 100, dollars per hour, and I didn't have that kind of money.
How I researched baby sleep as a biologist
So I thought that I had to figure it out myself. And I have a background in research. I'm a researcher biologist. I have a PhD in theoretical and evolutionary biology, so I thought that researching and sleep coaching would be very easy.
I mean, at least I could. If I can't do it, then what about the other moms? So I thought I should really do this.
How do you choose a sleep training method?
And so I bought all the best-selling books on Amazon about baby sleep, and I also read a lot of research papers about this topic. And in the end, after months of research and reading hundreds of pages, I came up with the solution to my daughter's sleep problems. But I've also read a lot about other types of sleep problems during my research, and I realized how to decide which method to choose, which advice to take, so that it fits the baby, the problem, and the family.
What changed when it finally worked
So the end of the story is happy ending because after I've implemented what I've learned, my daughter slept through the night. She slept 12 to 13 hours straight at night, and also had long restorative naps, like 2, 3 hours naps during the day. And it was magical, really. I cannot tell you how much our life changed.
I had energy again. I went to the gym. I went for walks and runs. We went to the playground with my daughter.
We socialized. We went to visit friends, and it was really great, really. I enjoyed spending time with her, with my family, and also I could start to really work full-time. So it was really great.
Can you prevent sleep problems from day one?
But after what I went through, I started to help other friends who had similar problems. First just friends, and then I went to these Facebook groups. And then I thought, after my son, actually after my son was born, the idea of writing a book about it came up. Because I implemented everything that I've learned with my son from day one, and he never needed sleep coaching or sleep training.
He slept through the night since he was, I think, 9 months old, and even before that he only woke up like once to breastfeed. And so my goal with him was not to night wean early, but only to have good sleeping skills. And he is still a very good sleeper, and he goes for his naps alone.
I mean, he is 3 years old, and after lunch he asked, "Mommy, can I go to nap?" And I said, "Of course, go on." And he goes to nap. I tuck him in, and that's it. And it's wonderful, really. So after this experience with my son, and after seeing how it can work if you really start from day one, and also knowing that how it could help if you kind of didn't do it right, or didn't do it well from day one, but you started fixing after a year.
Like I started fixing it, oh my daughter was almost 1 year old when I started sleep coaching, and it could still work. So after knowing this, I decided to write this book.
Frequently asked questions
What baby sleep training methods work best?
There is no method that works best for every baby. In practice you will find parents for whom cry it out worked and parents for whom only a very gradual approach worked — and both are telling the truth. What decides it is your baby's temperament, what the actual problem is, and which method you can carry out consistently without giving up halfway. A method you abandon on the third night teaches your child that persistence pays.
Should I fix the schedule or start sleep training first?
The schedule first, then the bedtime routine and the sleep environment, and only then a method. If bedtime is too early your child simply is not sleepy enough to fall asleep, and no method will change that. Quite often the first three steps solve the problem and there is nothing left to train.
Do I need a sleep consultant?
Not necessarily, but be careful whom you pick. Some consultants stick to one method and push it on everyone, which is exactly the thing that does not work. Look for someone who adapts the approach to your baby and your family. When I needed one it was several hundred dollars an hour, which is why I ended up doing the research myself.
Can you prevent sleep problems from the start?
Largely, yes. I applied everything I had learned with my second child from day one and he never needed sleep coaching at all — he slept through the night from around nine months and asks to go for his nap by himself. But starting late is not a lost cause either: my daughter was almost one when I started, and it still worked.
Do you need help with your child’s sleep?
Answer a few questions and I build a personalised sleep plan for your child, and Amie answers your questions 24/7 while you work through it. See my other offers here.